The stage is completely dark and bare. Footsteps are heard, but nothing is yet seen. Suddenly, a spotlight is turned on and directed towards CENTER STAGE. A man is standing there: DOCTOR LOVE. He has an uncanny resemblance to Albert Einstein and is wearing a floor- length lab coat with a red heart stitched over his chest. He speaks with a thick, inaccurate, German accent.
DOCTOR LOVE: Crush. Verb. To Press or squeeze somevone or somevink with force or violence, typically causing serious damage or injury. As in “she vas crushed to death by a moving car.”
(Another spotlight is turned on, aimed STAGE LEFT. GIRL is standing still. She is young, early 20’s, blonde, and attractive. She is wearing a red party dress, and balanced on a pair of high-heels while clutching a small purse under her arm. A car drives in from off STAGE LEFT, straight towards her, she screams, and is seen being hit my car. Spotlight is turned off.)
DOCTOR LOVE: Crush. To reduce somevink to a powder or pulp by exerting strong pressure on it, as in: “I vish I could just crush him under my fist.”
(Spotlight turned on, aimed at STAGE RIGHT. BOY stands there casually. He is in his mid 20’s, blonde hair, attractive and confident. He is wearing a grey linen suit with red stripes. Abruptly, a giant fist comes out of the sky and crushes him into the ground. He doesn’t have time to scream. Only a loud thump from the fist hitting the stage is heard)
DOCTOR LOVE: Crush. Noun. Informal. A brief but intense infatuation for somevone, especially somevone unattainable or inappropriate. As in “remember zat crush he had on his eighth grade English teacher?”
(A spotlight shines on STAGE RIGHT. BOY sits at a schoolboy’s desk. GIRL stands next to him with a ruler. BOY stands up and bends over allowing GIRL to spank him with the ruler. Spotlight goes out)
DOCTOR LOVE: Love. Noun. An intense feeling of romantic and sexual affection. As in “both hoped to believe zat zis innocent crush, zis infatuation vith each other vould ascend into somevink more, somevink true, zat zey could share a love one only reads about in fairy tales or teen vampire novels.”
(Spotlight shines on STAGE LEFT revealing BOY. Another spotlight on STAGE RIGHT turns on, revealing GIRL. BOY is wearing a cape and smiles to reveal enlarged canine fangs. BOY starts flapping his arms like a giant bat. GIRL swoons. BOY “flies” towards her and engulfs GIRL in his cape. Stage goes dark.)
Ext. SCENE - SOUTHERN PLANTATION HOME. CHARLESTON, S.C.
Outside, there is a posh summer party. A giant, beautiful home is shown in the background, the party is being held in the backyard.
DOWN CENTER STAGE. Everything is white: the tables, table cloths, decorations, the men’s linen suites, women’s dresses,shoes, and hats. Even the trees and their leaves are white.
Only two stand out the crowd: BOY and GIRL, who, like earlier, stand on opposite sides of the stage. GIRL is in a red dress with red heels. BOY’s suit is grey with red stripes and a red tie. The crowd parts and they both walk towards the center table, stationed with liquor bottles, cups, and punchbowl. They stand next to each other, but refuse to look at each other or make eye-contact. Both pretend that they are very busy fixing their drinks. GIRL sneaks a look at BOY from the corner of her eye, she smiles. BOY looks at GIRL, sees her smile, and speaks.
BOY: Hello, Hi, I’m sorry, were...were you just looking at me?
BOY: Because, now I could be wrong, but I am pretty sure I saw you looking at me. (Smiles coyly)
GIRL: (Laughs) Oh, I’m sorry, if I did, I didn’t mean to.
BOY: Aww, don’t be embarrassed. It’s okay for you to look.
GIRL: Well, I don’t think I was. (continues stiffly to fiddle with her drink)
BOY: Well, that’d be a shame, because I know I was looking at you. And...
GIRL: And? (Stops playing with drink to turn fully and look at BOY. BOY and GIRL take a second to bask in each other’s attractiveness. GIRL relaxes)
BOY: And I like what I see. (BOY and GIRL both smile and stare deeply into each other’s eyes as if trying to put together a puzzle)
GIRL: So..([tries to break the tension by speaking first) besides attempting to pick up women, what brings you to Alex’s little soirée?
BOY: Fate. (Laughs and is met with a blank expression from GIRL)
(GIRL and BOY stand there awkwardly for a second before BOY speaks again)
BOY: Actually, my buddy dragged me here, he hates going to these uptight parties on his own. I don’t even know Alex. Other than that she throws a pretty dull party.
GIRL: Oh no, I am sure Alex will be devastated to find out that her townie party crasher is bored.
(GIRL takes drink and turns, about to walk away from the table)
BOY: (Lets out a nervous laugh) Well, I’m not really a crasher. This crazy chick invited my buddy and me. She came running up to us while we were docking my boat. (He emphasizes boat)
GIRL: (Turns towards BOY, impressed) Boat?
BOY: Well, it’s just a small yacht, and I don’t like to brag. (Looks smug now that he has regained GIRL’s attention) But, like I said, she just came running up to us looking like a cross between an Umpa Lumpa and a pink poodle, and told us her friend was throwing a party that was in desperate need of, and I quote, (Lifts hands to do air quotes) “something yummy”.
(GIRL gets glimpse of his massive Rolex)
GIRL: (Grabbing BOY’s tie with her hand) Well, you certainly are yummy.
BOY: (Chuckling) Well, I am sure she was just after my enormous trust fund. (GIRL’s eyes light up) We figured there was no harm in checking it out.
GIRL: No harm at all.
(GIRL eyes BOY up and down and brings herself even closer to him, BOY moves back slightly)
BOY: Right, so, how about you? What brings you to sunny Charleston?
GIRL: Well...(GIRL cocks her head to the side, cueing a flashback. They both freeze. The entire party has frozen)
(A light comes on UP STAGE RIGHT revealing BFF. A girl in her early twenties with bleached blonde, straightner-fried hair. She is spray tanned to the perfect shade of Nacho Doritos orange. BFF is dressed head to toe in pink. She sits in a chair, a pink phone in her hand. She dials a number, audience can hear the phone ring, then it goes to voicemail)
GIRL (Voicemail): Hey, sorry I missed your call, if you leave a message after the beep, I’ll be sure to get back to you! BEEEEP. (Laughs) Just kidding! But, seriously, here comes the beep. (Actual beep is heard)
BFF: Answer your phone, betch! You never answer your effing phone. (Pouts) Luckily I still love you. Anyhoo, calling to talk summer plans! I know you have, like, no life, so I am going to give you one. Just think of me as your own super-fun guardian angel. I know you’re probably still down about that break-up with what’s-his- face, but seriously that happened like a month ago, it’s time to move on. It’s all perspective, and mine, and lets get real here, due to your emotional wreckage at the moment, my perspective is the only one that really matters, but love is love regardless of whether it lasts for three years or just for the night. And honey, you are lacking in some nighttime lovin’. I am not saying you need to be slut-tastic, but you do need to chill and stop taking everything so seriously. It gives you wrinkles. Which is why this summer has to be epic, both fun and brimming with potential one-night stands, or who knows, maybe you will find “the one” (rolls her eyes). I have been giving our plans some serious thought. At first I was like, let’s go to N’orleans, that’d be fun! Then I remembered Katrina. Like, maybe not so much fun. I mean, like no offense or anything, but who wants to vacation to a place that is going to put things in perspective? That’s what the discovery channel is for. Plus, a city full of men we can’t understand? We can get the same experience going downtown. Oh I know! We can go to Cancun! Now that place is fun: drinking, partying, boys, sun, skimpy bikinis, boys, the beach, a Mexican drug lord lopping our heads off with a machete...right. X (draws an X in the air with her finger)Cancun. Cindy wants us to come visit her in Alabama, I was like, totes, and told her we’d think about it. (Laughs) As if! Like, really? She wants us to spend our summer in Alabama? I am sure after a day in that backward snooze- fest even nuclear-fried Japan would start to look like a better alternative. Love the girl, but you know I am totally right. Although, we could work on our tans, so maybe that could be a Cancun alternative? Anyways, Marley, you remember my friend Marley, right? Well, she lives in Florida, which could be fun. Although, the whole Miami thing, I mean really, like who likes the idea of having to speak Spanish in America, like, just to survive? Lame-sauce. We could go down to South Carolina, visit Alex in Charleston. No complaints there. It’s beautiful, good food, great shopping, and did I mention the gorgeous boys on yachts? Yummy. People think it’s sheltered down there, but like, that’s totally a lie. It is really diverse, just in a segregated kind of way. I mean it did take me a while to get used to seeing black islanders selling confederate flags to tourists, but after a while, it was just hilarious. Anyway, Alex has this great house, I think it used to be a plantation or something, but she says we can stay with her no problem! I guess that’s our best option, or just stay here in Colorado. Depends on what’s important to you, you know? Would you rather be 10 minutes away from a beach or a dispensary? I know decisions are hard, but I am counting on you to make the choice. As in, I am driving to your place right now to pack for you because we are spending our summer in Charleston. I always saw myself as a southern belle. Glad we talked. See you in five. It’s going to be amazeballs! Bye love! (Hangs up phone. spotlight turns off. Return to party scene, which has unfrozen)
GIRL: Right. I guess the same reason; I was dragged here by some crazy chick.
BOY: So, I guess you wouldn’t mind if I drag you away?
(BOY grabs a bottle of white wine that had been chilling in a bucket on the table, shoots GIRL a mischievous look and begins to walk DOWN STAGE out of sight. GIRL sits stunned for a second, weighing her options. She notices a group of guys all identical in white suites and thick black glasses, BFF in the middle of them. BFF waves at GIRL, pointing to one of the men in the group. GIRL follows BOY before BFF can make an introduction. Stage goes dark)
Int. SCENE - DARK UPPER CENTER STAGE
(Spotlight turns on revealing DOCTOR LOVE in the corner of UPWARD STAGE RIGHT. He stands next to a projector perched on a cart with wheels. He presses play. The images play on a screen next to him while he speaks. It is a video of BOY holding wine, sneaking around the plantation with GIRL following closely behind him. You can see them giggle but the film is silent. They approach what appears to be a pool house located on the property)
DOCTOR LOVE: I vill begin by introducing the stars of tonight’s lesson: Barbie and Ken! (Points to BOY and GIRL on the projector then chuckles to himself) No, no zat’s just joke, but seriously, look at zem, zis video could sell perfume. Oh to be young and in love. (Still on the projector: BOY is fiddling with the door of the pool house, GIRL stands impatiently and nervously, leaning behind him. BOY accidentally jabs GIRL in the eye with elbow, but he seems to have gotten the door open) And love always has its casualties.
(GIRL falls and is angry. BOY Shrugs apologetically and helps her up. They both walk inside. Projector turns off)
INT. SCENE - POOL HOUSE
Lights go on down CENTER STAGE showing the inside of a pool house. The pool house is bare except for a small table with two chairs, a half kitchen, and a full sized bed, all crammed into one room. There are tacky paintings of nautical scenes on the walls, and a few beach towels lying on the floor. The door opens and BOY and GIRL enter the room. They walk around, inspecting the small space. BOY goes to “kitchen” area and grabs some ice and brings it to GIRL. She places ice on her eye. BOY goes back for a wine opener and two glasses and sits at the table. He nods for GIRL to take the other seat but she opts for sitting on the bed. DOCTOR LOVE is still on UPPER STAGE RIGHT, watching the scene along with the audience. As the two get settled, DOCTOR LOVE pulls out a chart and stand from his projector stand. He sets it up. The chart is a picture of the female anatomy.
GIRL: (Sits, upset, with ice bag on her eye) I feel like I should have signed a waiver for this little adventure.
BOY: I am really, very sorry. (Smiles, shows his white pearly teeth, trying to change the mood. GIRL isn’t pleased. They sit in silence) I promise I don’t make a habit of assaulting beautiful women.
GIRL: Just the ugly ones then?
BOY: Well, naturally.
(They both laugh, GIRL relaxes reclines slightly more on the bed)
GIRL: Besides the trust fund, is there anything else I should know about you?
BOY: (Smiles, and just stares into her eyes. Shakes his head and says matter-of-factly) No.
GIRL: (She seems satisfied. BOY continues to look at her and she becomes uncomfortable in her skin. He stares at her as though she is already naked. She opens her mouth to speak, but changes her mind about what she was going to say. She takes off the ice bag and throws it at him) Refill!
(BOY Puts the ice bag on the table, and opens his mouth to speak)
DOCTOR LOVE: (Pulls out a giant remote from his cart of goodies, points it towards BOY and GIRL and shouts) SILENCE!
(The conversation between BOY and GIRL is now being mimed, but nonetheless they seem to be having a continuous conversation)
DOCTOR LOVE: Zat’s better, isn’t it? My mind vas going numb with all zeir chitter chatter. Besides, when it comes to love it doesn’t matter vat you say just how you say it! Ze most important zsing is body language. Look at her sprawled on ze bed like a Hungarian prostitute!
(GIRL sits up immediately from her relaxed position on the bed, straightens out her skirt and pulls up the neckline of her dress)
DOCTOR LOVE: Vat zese two are experiencing is lust and attraction. Vor instance, (takes out a long pointer from his coat, and points at the cheeks of the female figure on the chart) zere are a few tells on the female body for arousal. The cheeks here, and the chest here (He points to the chest) may adapt a rosy hue in times of sexual anticipation, much like the color ones hoohaa gets (makes awkward head gesture to his crotch) during times of arousing. (He now walks into BOY and GIRL’s scene. They are completely unaware of his presence) Here we can see the female’s cheeks, here (he touches her cheek with the pointer. GIRL reacts by acting like she is swatting a fly) and ze chest, here (he then slaps his pointer across her breasts, allowing it to linger) are an apple shade of red, zis arousal most likely brought on by ze sense of excitement and danger of breaking into ze building. Naughty, naughty. Zis creates adrenaline, giving her a surge of displaced energy, probably why she is batting her eyelashes so much. Zis rush of adrenaline helps to release dopamine, and don’t these two look pretty dopey for each other? (He lets out an abrupt, crazed laugh. It sounds a bit like a coughing fit) So exciting, yes? And look at ze boy, oh so relaxed, sitting there like, “Oh look how nonchalant I am.” But I can see through his act. You don’t need to be a doctor like me to see what’s growing in his pants. You know. You know.
(BOY takes off his coat and strategically places it on his lap. He opens the wine bottle and pours two glasses. Neither BOY nor GIRL seem to be able to see or hear DOCTOR LOVE)
DOCTOR LOVE: By zis point, they are talking in circles. Around and around zey go.
(DOCTOR LOVE presses a button on his remote control)
GIRL: I totally agree. It is so refreshing to hear that someone else shares my struggles.
BOY: Yeah, Magic Mike really showed me that a man doesn’t have to be ashamed to get a full-body wax.
DOCOTOR LOVE: But really vone zing is on zeir mind...(presses another button on his remote control)
BOY: (Turns directly to the audience) I wonder if she is wearing any underwear.
GIRL: (Turns directly to the audience) I wonder when he is going to try to find out.
DOCTOR LOVE: (Abruptly) You get ze point
(DOCTOR LOVE presses the mute button again. BOY and GIRL go back to miming their conversation)
DOCTOR LOVE: Like I said, it doesn’t matter what zey say, just if zey say it with love. And an important factor of love is sexual attraction.
BOY: (Gets up and sits down next to GIRL on bed and hands her a glass of wine. They smile at each other and both take sips out of their glasses)
DOCTOR LOVE: At zis point ze anticipation should be literally making it impossible to have a coherent conversation and so zey must resort to alternative methods of distraction.
(GIRL hands her glass to BOY, kisses him on the cheek and stands up on bed and starts to jump. She twirls around, her dress filling up from beneath with air. She is laughing)
(BOY puts both their glasses down on table and begins to jump on the bed with her)
DOCTOR LOVE: Now zey have two options. Address the issue head on, or continue to play the game of cat and mouse. Meow.
(Suddenly BFF marches onto stage from stage left, moves past BOY and GIRL—whom are knocked back down on the bed as if from a sudden gust of wind—and straight up to DOCTOR LOVE. DOCTOR LOVE is completely shocked. BOY and GIRL laugh, sit up, and continue with mimed conversation)
BFF: You fucking pervert. (Shoves DOCTOR LOVE in the chest) What do you think you’re doing? This is called “alone time” for a reason.
DOCTOR LOVE: Vat? How can you see me? Zis is impossible. I am fictional character of Love. You are GIRL’s, vat is it? Bee Heff Heff?
BFF: Um, it’s BFF Frankinloser. But, I am also her Super-Fun Guardian Angel, DUH. What, (turns to look at audience) you like, thought that was a joke? This is like my jurisdiction.
DOCTOR LOVE: Now young lady, you run along to your party, I am a doctor-
BFF: (Turns away from audience, faces DOCTOR LOVE) Doctor? Really? Like how stupid do you think I am?
DOCTOR LOVE: (Laughs) Well, actually, pretty fucking stu--
BFF: (interrupting him) I totally saw you get a lil handsy with my friend’s ta ta’s. The only Doctor allowed to do that is plastic.
(BFF smiles contently, and starts to push DOCTOR LOVE’s cart off stage. He speaks and she stops)
DOCTOR LOVE: Plastic (laughs) now I know where you got your ta-tas...
BFF: (Turning around the face him) What?
DOCTOR LOVE: Vell, you said ze doctor vas plastic, but I assume you meant zat he vas a plastic surgeon, which would explain...
BFF: (interrupting him again) BORING! Whatever Dr. Dipstick. I got things covered now, ok? You have probably screwed everything way up, what have I missed? Like wait, why can’t I hear them? SPEAK!
BOY: That’s when I knew peanut butter was my favorite food...
BFF: Shutup!! (BOY is again silent miming) Wow, you did more damage than I thought. They should be, like, getting horizontal not talking about lunch.
DOCTOR LOVE: Vat do you mean? I’ve done nothing. It doesn’t matter vat zey are talking about...perhaps it’s sexy peanut butter vit a little chocolate..you know and ze cherries...
BFF: You’re an idiot. The only thing they should be thinking about is each other or nothing. Animal instincts should have taken over by now. I don’t get it. (Stomps on the ground like a child throwing a tantrum) I even spiked that wine with MDMA, they should be all over each other by now!
DOCTOR LOVE: Crazy vitch...
BFF: Like, try insulting me in English, Ludwig.
DOCTOR LOVE: Look, I not insulting you, I say zey have got love itch, itch...
(DOCTOR LOVE and BFF look towards the room. BOY and GIRL are now fully facing each other on the bed, examining every inch of each other’s bodies with their eyes. Both lie down and turn on their sides to face each other)
BFF: Finally! This is my favorite part
(BFF runs over to the pool house and sits down at the table, watching BOY and GIRL)
DOCTOR LOVE: (Under his breath) And she sayz I’m ze pervert.
(DOCTOR LOVE shrugs and joins BFF at the table and turns the volume up on his remote control)
GIRL: So, what to do now...(GIRL brushes her fingers across her chest and then slowly outlines her figure with her finger tips)
BFF: (Giggles) I taught her that! Classic!
(BFF claps her hands with excitement. DOCTOR LOVE rolls his eyes. Then they both seem to be hypnotized by the intimate moment they are witnessing)
BOY: Well, (BOY tucks a lock of hair behind GIRL’s ear) if you don’t mind, I would very much like to kiss you.
(GIRL and BOY lean towards each other for the kiss)
DOCTOR LOVE: (Shakes out of trance-like state, and goes to grab something out of his jacket pocket) Give her some tongue!
(BOY and GIRL share a kiss. BOY, still making out with GIRL, reaches under pillow and pulls out a large remote control and aims it at the audience. The stage’s curtain falls down)
VOICE: THE END
(A shuffle is heard behind the curtain. A spotlight shines down showing DOCTOR LOVE and BFF crawling out from underneath)
BFF: (Standing up and brushing herself off) HUMPH! Last time I help her!
(DOCTOR LOVE is stuck under the curtain, a pair of binoculars in his hand. BFF helps pull him out)
DOCTOR LOVE: I KNOW! Some people can be so rude! So, (looks BFF up and down suggestively) you still have some of zat MDMVay?
BFF: (Shrugging) Yeah, okay. (BFF pulls the doctor off STAGE RIGHT by the collar of his coat) Let’s go stud, and give me those binoculars. I have a feeling I am going to need them.